When you say I

3 10 2011

When you say “I”, what do you mean by that? Do you mean your body, do you mean your hands, or your eyes, or your mouth? Is that really you? When you say I do you mean your feelings, your emotions, from happiness to anger to depression and sadness, back to happiness and joy? When you say “I love you”, what is it exactly that you love me with? Do you mean your body and your hormones and your feelings? Which ones and in what proportion to each other?

What part of the I is everlasting? What part of the I continues into the next life? What part of the I never dies?

In the next life, when you and I are both dead, will we be able to find each other? How will you recognise me in that life and how will I know it’s you? When we are both reborn and remember nothing of the past life and remember nothing of our “real” selves? Perhaps it’s the eyes that give it away? Windows to the soul.

When I love you, what do I mean by you? What is it that I love? Do I love your body? Do I love your words and your voice? Do I love your past and your future hopes and wishes? Do I love your likes and dislikes?

All of these things I love but what I  love most is your love.

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The Art of Praying

28 09 2008

When you are truly troubled, when life is far beyond being able to be dealt with, when you lose, in short, when you are totally alone in the world and have no-one left, you begin to pray. I used to pray often, I was raised and taught to pray in a very childish way. But the habit has stuck with me because every time I went through some hard times and I was truly alone, which was more often than not, I would race through all my troubles at night, and get deeper and deeper into a state of panic and fear, eventually as the night wore on I prayed for my haunting thoughts to go away, I prayed for an end to the pain in my head. I would pray the traditional prayer, Jesus Christ’s prayer because he was probably a troubled young man in his lifetime.

I forgot how to pray. Recently I had been experimenting with ideas that there was no God, and it was a liberating experience. But I found that my troubles didn’t just disappear because I decided that logic was the cure to my ills. My problems are indifferent to whether there is a God or not. True spiritual awakening begins in your heart anyway, and I am inclined to believe that people can be spiritual and logical at the same time. To act logically all through life without having an emotional and higher awareness would make you more like a piece of furniture than a human being. So to me, the belief is there that you can change your world through thoughts and feelings through whispered words and midnight chanting in the dark.

I was very unhappy. I was also very alone. I began praying and I felt that someone was there. It felt as if someone was thinking of me, and it felt like a warm embrace. Now to someone that has no-one in the world who they feel that they can really speak to, for someone that is far away from their real home, from their countrymen from their people, it is something. It is like being given water in the middle of a desert, like being fed when your stomach is so hungry you hallucinate.

So does this praying actually mean anything? What I wanted to know is whether it can form the bases of real healing of the fear that can possess you at times. At the moment my life has had certain things removed. The things which were there and which were crutches to me have disappeared, I feel as if I literally am walking through space, there is a gaping hole in my life, an emptiness which is massive and which stops me from sleeping late at night.

To go through each and every discontented thought keeps me going until the next night, but those thoughts don’t just go away they keep eroding my energy away night after night. Things that hurt over and over again might include family relations, and abuse which is perpetrated by certain individuals through their jealousy, which are extremely hurtful, sisters, mothers, full of anger and fathers that you sense don’t really care. Sexual problems are part of every person’s adult life, but when you suffer them and are alone for long periods of time it is easy to distort your own inadequacy into a destructive pattern where you actually believe that you are sexually worthless, when in fact your organs function normally. Another problem, your career has not taken off, because you have wasted too much time thinking about what you wanted to do rather than doing anything, you feel worthless again, the centre of individual power is at a low. When you are left alone in a foreign country there is no familiar voice, there is essentially nothing except your own mind filled with things which are left undone, things which haven’t been sorted out.

So when these thoughts swirl and swirl they do, not just at night but in the day time in consciousness, what can be done to help you through them? Praying is an Art. You must pray in different places to make it work. Luckily for me I have been brought up praying. I prayed in church on a beautiful Sunny day during mass, and I remember the first girl I loved who was there in the church in front of me bathed in Sun. I remember praying on windy days at University, when I began to develop an understanding of the stories and scriptures as complex metaphors designed to convey hidden meaning, and I began paying attention to these stories. I also remember praying in the church of tears in Jerusalem while on a day trip from my holiday in Egypt. Praying works. It takes years of practice, it takes years of doing it, but you don’t have to do it every night, you can come back to it when you need it. It is not a discipline.


Praying can connect you to someone who loves you somewhere in the world where you are not physically present. You can communicate with this person. There is always someone somewhere who is open to receiving your mind, through the planetary mind, through the other mode of existence, which many people call God. I believe that thought is transmittable through the air, through the magnetic power lines that exist surrounding the Earth. It is possible to send someone your thoughts, your feelings too. And that is one of the benefits of believing.

How to pray: Let your thoughts and fears which are grounded in misinformation mostly just dissipate away. They are not worth thinking about at night, only during the day. Pray for a solution to each and every one of them, pray for your health and the health of people in general, pray for children and people with diseases. Pray for people who are dying. Pray for global warming. Pray for love and peace. Then think about someone that loves you without discrimination or bribery and pray for them. And if they do not exist pray for someone like that to be in your life. Once you feel their presence you feel the power of prayer. God will give you what you pray for. God is there, God is real, he is not a man, he is the spirit, and he is real and he connects everything on Earth together, and God is always listening to our prayers, and we ought to pray for good things, like love and happiness, and actions which are based on love.